Day 1. “Resolutions”

I like coming back to work. Maybe only for the first 24 hours, but the feeling is a good one.  Within that first 24 hour period, I will get together with my boss and discuss what I could have done better from the last set. The last set I did out at the mine was not a successful one. There are two other ladies I work with. They are all very good at the jobs they do, and all three of us like our jobs enough to fight for them. The only problem is that we are butting heads on a regular basis. Through my conversation with my boss I have come to the understanding that this is something I can and should have fixed (by now). I am not very good with confrontations, and I started to play those high school games of talking behind the other girl’s back. It was not right, and I never actually went up to either of my coworkers and told them why what they said upset me. So, to make a short story long, because of my attitude last set (and I am fully responsible for some of the not so stellar attitudes in the building), I almost got fired. Twice. Once the last time I was here, and then my boss was not sure she wanted to bring me back. I am very grateful that she did give me another chance. I will NOT lose another job due to my attitude. It has been and will always be the bane of my existence.

 

One of the points my boss made (amongst many excellent ones) was that there is simply no communication. And the situation is not a big deal now, but it will only worsen as time goes by, and she wants to get it fixed once and for all. I am not really looking forward to the idea of talking this stuff out, but that is mostly because I am a human waterworks when I get emotional, and I cannot stand it when people see me cry. I try to concentrate on my breathing, but it is difficult to get to that point where I can actually focus on anything except for all the emotions welling up into my eyes.And of course, once I get started, there is no subduing it. I can get it more or less under control for a moment, but it never really lasts.

 

But it is not just learning that I have made the mistake. Now, and for always, I have to carry the shame I feel at my own behavior, so I never forget why I should not behave in this manner anymore. I think I can do it, but every time I go into work I am reminded of why my goal is to be able to work from home. It will happen, and I will make it so, and I will learn to recognize all the facets of my attitude that stand in my way from becoming the best at whatever I choose to do.

 

*sigh* I resolve to face myself every day. If I can face myself I can face others. I resolve to resolve situations as soon as I can, without waiting for my boss to step in and fix it for me. That Lil has to do it this time – it is interesting; now that I am here I can see how wrong it is that she had to get brought into this, but before, all I wanted was for her to step in and fix things. But she should not have to. She has so many other stresses that having a staff pulling out all their personal problems on each other is entirely unprofessional. I resolve to behave a little more grown up every day, without losing my enthusiasm for life. I also resolve to start exercising and taking care of my health regularly, as I realized today that being chubby is a luxury I take for granted.

 

Until next time,

 

Z.

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